Wall

 

I’ve hit a wall with all this. I was on estradiol for about 2 weeks and felt amazing. I felt normal for the first time in my life. It was empowering really. I saw a way out, a pathway to continue this contest and bother with this game the world wants me to play. But I hit a couple snags. My energy started to go down hill and I started to lose touch again.

I over did it on sunday two and a half weeks in; I went surfing in the morning and a road trip to sequoia right after. I finally found my way back home, barely staying concious, at 1AM. Since then my energy had been in the toilet. It bottomed out again and I both could not get enough sleep and but I was tired all the time with the same fatigue. There was one important difference though, I wasn’t in pain. In a lot of ways that made it easier to relax, to shut off and unwind.

I was so sure i needed to transition and that that was going to be impossible so I woudln’t mind if I just checked out completely. Then I tried E, finally after 20 years of wishing I could do that and I felt amazing, suddenly and out of nowhere. Then I felt worse again but it was different, not painful, simply annoying and incapable. THEN I realized I was also drinking a daily magnesuim supplement and that was knocking me out and dehydrating me, compounding my fatigue.

I have to have some really difficult, potentially life changing and destabilizing conversations right now. I have to bank my sperm. I have to do these things and figure out how far I want to need to take this whole thing. I’m pretty sure my acting career is dead either way. It is so uncomfortable to be me that I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to present consistently. I’m pretty sure there is no future for me as a girl, even a trans girl. I don’t think think there is a future in Hollywood or anywhere else for that matter. I don’t think I was made to live this life and I’m so sorry to everyone because I feel like I want to leave. There’s just nothing for me here and I don’t have any will left to live anymore.

At this point, I think its important to recognize that I havent taken any dose of E for the past day and a half… OK that’s two really days of doses then. Partly I need to catch up because I gave away 3 days worth to a genderqueer friend who I thought might need to feel that again and partly because I gave myself a double dose one morning to see how I felt (and I got high… like euphoric with a really strong body high) so that’s 7 pills down. Then partly because I need to bank sperm and I need my levels to be high so I can have it ready to bank. And partly because I think on some level it’s necessary for me to feel this pain one last time to confirm it really was what it was and really was related to what it was related to, that being a lack of proper hormones in my body. I’ve had such a rollercoaster ride of chemical experiences in the last year I need to know what’s what with as much precision as possible. So, anyway… I havent taken it for the last 4 doses and I feel the sickness returning.

It’s OK though, I think. IDK. I don’t know if this is right for me or if anything is right for me. I just want everything to stop at this point. I want to get off.

 

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