Going into week 4:

D28C6870-3254-49A6-A013-FE19A1D2FF87.png

I TAUGHT MYSELF SOME HTML

Or,
This is what going into week 4 looks like

I’m tired today. And I’m feeling burnt out, and I want to talk to someone but I don’t have anyone to talk to so I’m going to shout into the void for a bit. I had a whole passage here about how I hate everything but I deleted it because I don’t want to write about that anymore. I have journals upon journals full of it and if you really want to read that I’ll link you to them.

I’m probably just tired because I spend every waking minute recording or editing audio, searching through real estate listings, or now, studying coding. I learned basic HTML this week, and the basics for Swift, the language for coding OSX and iOS apps. I’m just having trouble managing my energy and I stayed up too late last night. 

Simpson’s Vapor Wave really gets me lately:

So, this is where I am right now: 

THE GOOD

  • I meditated this morning like a stone.
    I’ve never felt my mind so calm before. It was astounding. Really. I sat there and I could just be with norhing pressing me to do this or that, no extraneous thoughts bogging me down, no emotional stress twisting me to do something or else. I could really just sit with myself and experience nowness and peace. And it was so nice to have that for a change.

  • My body is so much more relaxed and has a way better capacity to heal and recover

    I’ve been battling tension (I realize now) for my whole life. I can tell the difference when I exercise and when I speak. I used ro have “good days” and “bad days” with little to no explanation why I would be fine one day and then so totally disconnected from my body that I could barely move on others. I can feel a major difference when I play Kendo, or Capoeria, or when I speak.I’m just way more in tune with my body. It’s not as stiff, it’s more fluid, I’m practicing skills I’ve spent a lot of time trying to develop and I’m doing them betterand with less effort.My voice is more active. I’ve spent years with a dull and inflexible voice, trying to work around it for performing. I got quite good at faking it but there was always something holding me back. Something like 80-90% of acting is vocality. Let’s say 80% on stage and 90% on camera, and of course 100% when it’s only audio. I spent 2 years doing audio work, building my voice back from nothing and while I made a lot of progress, I haven’t had anything like the strength and flexibility I’ve been able to access on such a consistent basis this month.

  • I’m not angry or sad or nearly as emotional
    For the last 25 years or so I’ve carried around a huge emotional weight that I just couldn’t shake. It is, or seems to be completely gone. I haven’t been completely happy or euphoric this past month but, I haven’t been numb. When I’ve been sad, I’ve been legitimately sad. When I’ve been angry I’ve been legitimately angry. None of this vague dissociative pain and anguish I’ve been living with for years. Real valid emotions that come and go naturally.

  • My head is so much clearer
    To go with the calmness, the lack of stress, the proper processing of my emotions is this open clarity that has started to come back into my mind. I started to process long held plans from the back corners of my mind. I started to learn how to code again, I learned the basic HTML that I used to style this entry. I can just basically get more done in a day, not because I’m on some super cognition enhancing drug but because I’m not in nearly the pain I used to be.

  • My body sometimes feels like I’m stoned
    This can be good or bad I guess, depending on when it happens. Mostly it’s subtle and i need to really get quiet for it to become apparent. But if I do its reminiscent of being stoned and having a body high. I’m just so relaxed and connected into my body and how it feels. And it feels really wonderful.
  • I have a much larger capacity to be social
    I’ve always had this wall around me, like a thick layer of glass separating me from reality. Things I wanted to say or express were always caught up in my throat, unable to come out and manifest in the world in real time. This alone has been enough to drive the suicidal ideation I’ve been experiencing for quite some time. It’s made it very difficult to keep and maintain relationships and develop a career where it only matters who knows you. Beyond that it’s just lonely not being able to connect with people. That has started to lift a great deal.
  • I’m hungry now
    I started havinf trouble digesting while in college. By the end of a semester I’d barely have eaten anything for at least a month. Later I tried to force myself to eat anyway only to see everything get thrown back up immediately after. I’ve been functionally anorexic and bullemic for my entire adult life. This was the entire reason I even explored a vegan diet and then shortly after fruitarian. Eating a diet mostly from fruit has been life saving for me. I didn’t have the energy to even call a psychologist until then. But even with that I wasn’t really getting enough food most of the time. Throughout I’d have terrible binges on just the worst junkiest foods I could find, just to get some calories in me, and then of course feeling even more sick afterwards. It seems like all of that was stress related. I had constantly elevated cortisol levels for absolutely no reason. It feels like their down to abnormal level now. My stress isn’t out of control anymore. That was an immediate night and day difference.

THE BAD

  • Not everything is “fixed”
    It’s been a hard life for me, admittedly for no reason whatsoever. I could never figure it out but for now it seems like a large part of it is and has been a simple lack of estrogen in my system. If I had had this when I was growing up everything, literally everything would be different. But, I didn’t and now I havew every problem an adult would have, plus I still have almost all of my issues from childhood unresolved. I need income, I need self susstianability, I have relationships that need repair, I have others that need to be dismissed, and I still have a big black hole in my life that I don’t fully understand yet. Nothing is good right now to be honest.It would be very easy for me to go off on a laundry list of things I want or need or think I ought to have… The point is that I don’t have anything really and I still lack a sense of being a Self, a discrete entity in the world that matters and who has needs. There is so much wrong that when I let myself dwell on the abyss I threw myself into where that proverbial net should have appeared, I start grasping around for something to hold on to. “At least I have this” or “at least I have that,” a house, a family, a child, a bank account, a career, something to let me know my time here wasn’t and doesn’t continue to be completely wasted. Something to remind me that I matter in some way, some extrinsic quality to let me know that any of this is even real.So, no that hasn’t resolved. Everything still sucks. I don’t have the same level of mysterious and crippling pain crushing me into the dirt now though.
  • I think I’m depressed.
    Like legitimately actually really depressed. Or I don’t know what but, I was depressed in high school and then spent the rest of my life trying to get rid of it, eventually reaching a point where I just wasn’t depressed anymore as far as I could tell. My body still expresses signs of depression, my mind too, but I had carved out a space of sanity inside me that was totally unable to feel anything. I ignored the hell out of it always focusing on other things, hoping it would go away. It feel like it’s getting reacquainted with me now.
  • I am still very much dissociated.
    As much as I feel in the world again, I also have to admit that I’m really not here fully. I don’t know what to do about that. I don’t think gender is even all of the reason for that. I’m not sure of anything anymore. Nothing feels real and I don’t feel like I really exist. I am so stuck in my life and I don’t see a way out. I constantly fight the urge to just walk away from everything and never talk to anyone again. No one I know, but also maybe not any other human beings. What’s the worst that could happen?

                           THE UGLY

So maybe this is where you want to get off this train because fair warning, from here I’m going to talk about the more personal, intimate, and physical aspects of this.

  • OK, so they weren’t lying when they said your libido would dip.
    And frankly, thank god it did. I was constantly being attacked all the time by a libido that was just out of control and had no where to go. I have trouble with sex but that’s another journal entry. The short version is I’d have to frequently take care of myself and it was never if hardly ever fun and never ever worth the pitiful orgasm at the end. It was just another chore I had to do. Another boring compulsion to take care of like sleeping or eating, only this was dysfunctional in the entirely opposite direction.Not only has my libido dipped, but following that so have my erections. I was always walking around half cocked, as it were, and it got to be uncomfortable at times. I couldn’t even look at a girl without being consumed with thoughts of what sex would be like with her. Whether or not I even wanted to think or feel those things. It was awful. Really. Now tough, quite the opposite. It’s hardly active, and when it is it’s only halfway active. My strongest erections right now are just functional enough. There is also this mass of tubing that connects to my testicles in the scrotum that was always full to bursting. Now it hardly feels like anything is there and my testes themselves are slightly smaller. It was kind of a scary change actually. Part of the deal with this is it could leave you sterile. Mostly trans women who want to conceive will stop HRT, wait for their T to come back and make sperm for them. A few of those people may find they’ve become sterile. It’s stupid, but the change was so fast and so profound it had me worried like, but what if it never works again???

    At minimum, it’s been amazing to have my mind back and not obsessing about sex all the time. It’s still been there when I’ve asked it to be but it’s nicely absent for when I don’t. There was always this feeling there that’s just gone now.

    Oh, the other thing that got me was stories of the whole thing shrinking from lack of use and then being painful when they had erections again.

  • I really am fucking depressed.
    This is buried at the end here because I’m hoping no one will get this far to read it.

    I think the depression was never gone, I had just dissociated from myself to such a degree that I couldn’t feel anything anymore. Everything just feels utterly hopeless and I don’t like anything about my life. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to play this game. There’s nothing for me here. The only thing that keeps me around, I think is th’undiscovered country from whose born no travel or returns, puzzles the will and makes us rather bear those ill we have than fly to others we know not of. There’s nothing for me there either. And I feel like there’s also probably no outrunning the things that drag you down. You have the choice to deal with them or not, and nothing not even death, will ever let you escape them.

    I don’t want to live anymore, truly. I’m really finally feeling this thing. I am so disconnected from reality at this point, I don’t see a path to get back. My life is completely backwards, economically, socially, romantically, personally… there is nothing for me here in this entire world and I’m just done looking for it or waiting patiently for it to come to me. No one even knows who I am because no one wants to go that deep. No one can, probably. I’ve tried and I’ve failed. I have no motivation anymore to do anything. I’m just not a fit. I’m sucking energy out of people and giving nothing back, because I have nothing to give back. My debt only increases, my personal financial debt, my wider social debt, my energetic debt. I’m tired of putting out energy, putting all my energy into things, having faith, putting trust in the universe or god or whatever and having nothing come back. Only more and more debt. I have nothing left. It’s only a matter of time before all of this falls apart. It’s completely unsustainable and it’s going to implode. Mayumi needs to leave me. She should have left me a long time ago. She’s holding on to a hope that will never manifest. She needs to save herself. I’m not the child my parents think I am. I can’t be. I’m not the person any of my friends thought me to be. I can’t wrap my mind around being this person. I’m ready to let everything go. I just need an opportunity. I need a way out. I’m not even really here, anyway. I’m writing this all down because I have no one else to talk to about this. Not even the few psychologists or psychiatrists I’ve been to are equipped to handle me. I always felt like I was falling through the cracks of the system. I guess it wasn’t just a feeling. I’m the only one who can save me. For that matter the only one that can save anyone in the end is themselves. I don’t think I care enough about me or even the concept of me anymore to even try. 

    I feel like my life is in ruins, I feel like I’m living at the end of my life, and I can’t seem figure out how not to feel that way. I’m writing this down so there’s a record of it.

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