So, Ok… wow.


So, Ok… wow. I meant everything I said in the last entry but, man. I just realize I actually felt my emotions on that one. Really felt them. I was sad but, really actually sad.

Mostly I’ll feel emotions in my body, but they’ll have no connection whatsoever to anything in my thoughts or the situation I’m currently in. I won’t have any relationship with them. They’ll be expressing themselves opposite me, while we share the same body. But they aren’t my thoughts, they aren’t my feelings, they aren’t my life.

I have a lot to be sad about in my life. Other people though, have way more. I have a lot I should have been grateful for too. But, I’ve been so inundated with a misfiring emotional center that I haven’t been able to enjoy any of it for what it was when it was even here. For the sad parts, I haven’t been able to really feel those either. It’s like my emotional being has been divided and separated from my intellectual being like a split-brain patient. I’d be experiencing the emotions of another person while wondering just how long is this going to last, because I’d really rather not be tied up with this nonsense. It’s like my body and mind are in pain and I’ll even be sobbing, or angry, or even (sometimes, gasp) happy, but I won’t really be feeling it. I’ll jut feel the physical manifestation of it.

I just realized that this afternoon… what I was feeling was real sadness. I was really legitimately sad and I really legitimately felt it. Deeply felt it, like I’ve not been able to for so many years. And as much as I hate to be sad it was such an amazing realization to notice I actually got to experience something like that directly. I felt it, it lived inside of me for a few hours, I expressed it, and now it’s gone. I moved on and I wasn’t stuck with the pain of it anymore afterwards.

I’m not going to lie, as much as I hated it at the time, part of me wants to go do it again right now.

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