Insomnia

8/5/2017

It’s almost 2 in the morning. I’ve been up since 12. All the good feelings I had the last few days, the hope that this was some kind of answer seems to have dissipated now. Oh well. I haven’t been able to really sleep this week either… which isn’t unusual but I had hoped everything would have normalized now.

I just feel lost. I feel trapped in a life I never wanted but also a life I couldn’t avoid. I feel like I’ve done my best to work out how to give this kid his best shot and I just failed to instill any meaning into his life whatsoever. This was all so predictable from the start too. I’d been hopeful enough that I could do something with it anyway but, sometimes it just feels like all you can do, the kindest thing you can do is to just admit failure and move on. …But that’s also not at all how life works, because there is no moving on. There’s only sitting in it and trying to make it work despite failing. 

I spent most of my life ignoring problems I couldn’t solve because I didn’t think I could ask for help and I hoped they’d just go away. I spent only a couple of years trying to work with them directly after they got in my way so much that I just couldn’t ignore them anymore. And now I realize they really aren’t solvable after all so I’m basically back where I started only now I’m far more aware of them and how deep they run. I’ve tried to reach out to people for help, but at this point it’s really just too late.

All I ever really wanted in my life was a family. Everything I’ve ever done, every motivating factor I’ve ever had, was basically some attempt to build up a family around myself. And for all of that I still feel like I have nothing. I have the shape of something like a family, but we don’t relate to one another. I can’t seem to talk to anyone about anything real and I don’t seem to have the capacity to feel love. I put so much effort into this aspect of life that now I’m in a situation where I can’t even properly take care of myself. 

I don’t know if it’s the trans thing or what. But that’s not going to go anywhere. I can’t live here as a man and I don’t have the option to live as a girl. I’m stuck in some purely philosophical pseudo-reality, some kind of meta-existence where I can’t properly relate to anyone around me. I can’t even relate to myself as a self. There was a time when I think this all could have been salvaged by right now I can’t see any way out of this. 
I fell back on relationships that had long since proven to be toxic. I tried to use social media to connect to them and others only to find that to be even more empty than just being alone. People who I relied upon ignored me or fought with me. I would only see people I know advance in their life while I remained completely stuck in my own. I saw the girls I knew in high school, whom I wanted to be friends with, whom I tried to be friends with, still continuing their friendships long after even managing to have reunions once while. I’m not there and it was a foregone conclusion that I never would have been. 
I never truly existed in their world, or anyone else’s. Not theirs, not the few people I did manage to force a friendship with until I realized the whole thing was entirely one sided, not my sisters, not my parents, and not even my wife’s. I’m someone else to every person I’ve ever met. I’ve never truly existed.
And the Estrogen? Maybe that’s helping, maybe it’s not. I feel like at least all this is still here but now I’m not also experiencing this whole thing while simultaneously feeling like part of my brain is just asleep. Now I see the whole thing so clearly for what it is and for how untenable. Even if it is helping, it’s not really a sustainable solution.

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