I feel really good today (8/3/2017). Better than neutral, not ecstatic and leagues better than I normally do. My feeling is it has to do with the estradiol, though I’m not entirely sure what exactly or why. Maybe it’s just psychological because I’m not using a blocker and it’s still a low dose. But I really feel like it’s having some kind of impact, even if just placebo. The body tingles though, that was not in my imagination.
I also forget that even if it is a placebo, placebo effects are still very real effects that act on the mind body in much the same way ‘legitimate’ effects do. If you give someone a sugar pill and they are convinced it is a pain killer many people will actually produce those same pain killing chemicals in their brain. So even if it is likely a placebo at this stage, it’s still perhaps some kind of subconscious signaling that my mind likes this idea.
I didn’t get the same “high” like I did from the first two doses, but my mood is elevated and stable and I feel “normal” despite also feeling under-slept because I woke up at 4 AM again. I just took the morning sublingual dose and kept it under my tongue while I meditated for an hour. I’m not sure what the reason is for being up but I’m falling asleep easier and when I do wake up it’s not accompanied by the usual panic. I also have something like a proper appetite right now. This is not normal for me.
Watching people talk about gender and trans people online usually gives me terrible dysphoria and anxiety symptoms. I read some conversation this morning that was basically that but instead of falling apart and questioning my place in the world and even the very basis of reality itself, I found it kind of quaint. I suddenly saw these people like elementary school kids arguing over politics, as if their opinions actually mattered.
Maybe someday we’ll all have more information on why this phenomenon occurs, and maybe some day people will be able to discuss topics like this without resorting to sexist rhetoric, or people feeling like their own identity is now under fire. Maybe some day we’ll at least elevate the discussion beyond “sex = gender” and beyond “gender doesn’t exist, it’s a fabrication instilled on you extrinsically by society.” Maybe some day people won’t feel the need to shut out another person from practical participation in society because they aren’t curious enough to step outside of their own experience and discover how effervescent their fundamental beliefs about the world really are.
I am so calm and alert but also ready to go to sleep right now this is insane. This is what normal people must feel like.
OK, so the body tingling thing is real. Very real. And I’m almost positive it’s the E. it feels amazing but I have to allow myself to get quiet to feel it. It makes lying in bed an incredible experience, even with insomnia.
OK not so quiet it appears. This morning I was just lying in bed with it. It was all over me and fairly strong. I accidentally slept until 12 noon.