Little Blue Pill

Tingles. Lots of tingles. My body is tingling right now like I’m on some good kind of weed.
Yesterday was probably a little bit placebo, not that I’m complaining, but this definitely is not. I sat in my car after my doctors appt, after talking to a social worker and watching a video and talking to my doctor… my doctor, I actually kind of really love my doctor, and after talking to the front desk about how I can have them send all extra bills directly to me and avoid over billing insurance (please) and after walking down to feed the meter and then after getting my blood drawn and after waiting another hour to get my prescription. 3 hours after I arrived, I’m sitting on my car on the way home dissolving a little blue pill under my tongue marked 2mg. Hold for 30 mins and spit to maximize the efficacy.

I was in a more stable mood that day than usual. I even exercised for ten minutes with the kettle bell which activated my adductors really nicely. I’m coming off a really bad week trying (and maybe failing?) Wellbutrin. Maybe I should try it again but there was so much stimulation in my brain of it seemed like only the bad stuff. I had some sort of split from reality. I wasn’t going to end my life but I decided that nope, I’m just not going to live it anymore. I still hadn’t worked out what that meant that evening while I was laying down to sleep, trying to relax, my wife cuddling up in the crook of my arm trying her best to save our marriage and I couldn’t feel a thing. I tried to. I really wish I could have, but I couldn’t feel anything.

I started to wonder if I’d ever feel love or loved. I wondered if I even ever had. I wondered if I was even capable. Maybe I wasn’t meant for marriage, for family, friends, or even life really. The drug started to kick in after 3 weeks of building up and I have no idea if it’s that? And how much of my experience over the last month was also maybe attributed to it? All of reality was being shut out and I couldn’t do anything not because I didn’t want to but because I didn’t see the point. All I wanted to do or all I felt like I even could do anymore was cover my eyes and shut out the entire world. Do my best to just fade out of existence. Maybe I could open some psychedelic mind portal and never come back.

So I called the psychiatrist and he asked me to stop the Wellbutrin for a week… and I gladly stopped that stuff immediately.

So I was in a better mood yesterday from the get go. I had another appt with another clinic scheduled for Friday but life had become so much for me to handle I reluctantly canceled it so I could rest and look for that mind portal instead. But yesterday, nothing was particularly wrong, nothing was really right, but I didn’t have my usual unresolvable fight or flight coursing though my body. I didn’t have anything really, but I wasn’t numb I just felt… fine? It’s hard for me to pin down what this was or why I was feeling it (or not feeling it) because I’ve been so all over the map recently, let alone in my life, and I’ve been ingesting all sorts of crap over the past month in an effort to support my brain function, to activate my thyroid that seems to be low functioning but not enough for medication, to support my hair that has been thin and gross for a few years now is now starting to fall out at an alarming rate (for me). One of which is Saw Palmetto which does something to the prostate and may have some properties that inhibit DHT, a side effect of which could lower libido (which it may actually have because I feel like something has taken the edge off of that)…so it’s really impossible to say what if anything had balanced my mood that day.

But I want to acknowledge that. That before I took anything, I was already relatively (relative to my usual senseless desperation) Okay. Oh, yeah I also had this nuts and seeds smoothie I created that’s kind of delicious and like a milkshake… well it’s literally a nut-milkshake I guess, but that had a bunch of trace minerals I don’t usually get and may have been missing like oh yeah, selenium which seems to be important to thyroid health and which doesn’t exist in hardly anything like it does in a single Brazil nut.  I, ummm I did a footbath of magnesium chloride flakes,  and Oooooooh I was also using progesterone oil on my temples to see if it would regrow hair and some of that certainly got into my blood stream, especially after I used a dermaroller there… and that’s supposed to also create a sense of wellbeing in women…so…

…you know it was a lot of crap I changed all of a sudden so really who knows what was going on. But I wasn’t falling apart like usual so that’s the important thing. And you know, usually that happens every once in a while; I’ll get an inexplicably good mood and I’m fooled into thinking my meditation finally turned me into zen master and I can now start to live my life.

So not great, not even euphoric, but even. Which is a big deal for me.

So, right. Stable mood, clinic, car, blue pill… I’m in a better mood that evening than I’ve been in a long time, I guess because it’s all or if my hands now. Nothing left to “do.” It’ll either work now or not but I don’t have to stress over it anymore. Then, a little later I’m getting tingles. They started in my brain, almost exactly like what weed feels like but less intense. Just mildly euphoric like being stoned but without the stoned part. Just a little bit here and there. I can’t tell if I’m making it up but it felt real.

I didn’t sleep hardly at all but not for the usual reasons. I wanted to read about some things. It wasn’t the usual desperate attempt to understand, I was just curious and wanted to read… so I didn’t fall asleep until 12, and then woke up at 3 because that’s the way my brain works I guess, so I sat down on the sofa and meditated for an hour while I dissolved my morning dose. By 6 my whole body is pleasantly tingling.

I don’t know how fast this is supposed to “work.” I don’t know exactly what it’s supposed to “do.” But I feel like I’m not making this up and I feel like this is related to the medication. Whatever, it’s good. It’s like the pleasant effects of marijuana without the negative ones, and not nearly as strong. Just mildly, pleasantly euphoric. I’m even lacking sleep… I got maybe 6 hours rest, I need probably 4 more to be honest. But, I feel like I need sleep, not like I need sleep and also everything is awful like there’s a hole in the world like a big black pit and it’s filled with people who are filled with shit.

You know something is wrong with your mind when you hear Sweeney Todd lyrics and your like, and…?

I really don’t know what I’m doing right now. With this. This isn’t really a possibility for me, but I had to see what it’s like… So we’ll see… but for now I kind of wish I could go get my next dose but I have to wait for this evening.

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