I don’t want to post stuff like this. I don’t want to post anything remotely like this. I would love to be a beacon of hope and light for everyone else in the world but, sadly that life seems to have escaped me.
I’m taking Wellbutrin right now because I gave up after decades of trying everything else. I don’t know if it’s good for me or right for me or what but I’m trying it because I feel like I have nothing left to lose now.
I went to a psychiatrist who did a brain scan on me that showed my prefrontal cortex wasn’t lighting up as well as an area that has to do with emotional stability. It shows a clear graph of my constant state of dissociation and suppressed anger. It’s real. It was right there in front of me and explained clearly why I can’t do anything in my life. I’ve been contemplating how bad it would be to just live on the streets.
This is ugly, and unsanitary, and stuff no one wants to read. Stuff no one should read. It’s a messy, unedited snapshot of my mind right now. So it’s probably best to just stop reading at this point.
I’m only posting this because maybe there will be sometime in the future that this will have changed. Maybe here will be some time in the future that I can wonder at how I ever experienced life like this.
I don’t know what to say anymore. My mind is fractured and is fighting itself. There’s something in there that still thinks it’s going to be able to make life work. There’s still something in there that still thinks this life and anything in it is going to be OK. There’s still something holding on to this world and the people in it. There’s also something else that thinks it might really be possible to transition and relive my life over again from my 20’s as a girl. Theres something holding out for hope that I’ll still make any kind of living or be of any value at all. There’s also a huge block that says all of that is bullshit and what are you doing and what in the world is wrong with you, oh yeah, your brain doesn’t work and now you’ve just seen that plainly on a photograph.
My wife needs a new husband. I need a vacation from myself. I wish I were a selkie or a sidhe or some kind of being that exists on the twilight of our world and what’s just past the horizon. I feel like I’m not really here anyway. I want to disavow all need for housing, for food, for an identity.
My parents deserved a son. My sisters deserved a brother. I deserve to be free from this pain. I deserved friends that pursued my friendship as unconditionally as I pursued theirs. I deserved any sort of life at all as opposed to this half-existence. I’m floating around like a ghost. I don’t deserve to have anything. I deserve to have nothing.
How do you fix a life that has gone so far off the rails that it’s not even a life anymore? How do you fix a broken heart? I was so in love with everything and I’ve just been rejected by all of it. I can’t even feel love anymore, not even when it’s presented to me deliberately. I haven’t felt joy for as long as I can really remember. I can’t manifest anything I desire. I can’t manifest anything I need. All I can do is sit here and contemplate why I’m even here at all.
Well now I’m just fucking angry. At everything. It’s 1:30 and I still haven’t had anything to eat today. I went to the grocery store to get lettuce and I forgot about moving my car. For the second week in a row. What the fuck is wrong with me really? Why do I have to have this bullshit in my life? I got really angry while walking through the store. Usually I end up buying some kind of treat for myself but I’m fucking done right now. I don’t even want to eat anything but I’m feeling that pull of low blood sugar so I guess I’ll take in something. Fuck all of this. I don’t care about anything right now, somebody just kill me please because I don’t have any other options in life. Fuck me. I wanted to do so much and I wanted to be of service to people. Make a positive difference on this shithole planet. But it turns out I’m the one who needs the help and no one is here who can help me so now I’m just waiting to die or something. I hate everything.
God, I went from despondent to just plain angry. And despondent. Whatever. I decided to clean out my car because it’s a so gross now and I kicked my shoes off in the parking lot and almost hit someone in the back of the head. Then I walked back and forth from my car to the front of the store to throw away the garbage. In my socks. Nothing seems to matter right now. In the worst way.
I really really just hate myself. My stupid broken brain, my stupid whiny voice and attitude. My absolutely good-for-nothingness. I can’t feel love or joy or gratitude. My family has been systematically extricated from my life. Fucking god. They exist and they sort of talk to me but they haven’t really talked to me for… well ever really. I don’t even feel like I have a family.
I want to go away. Far away. There is absolutely nothing here for me. God damn it. Fuck.
I’m not even really angry. I’m just expressing anger and I’m stuck watching all this come out. I’m not even stressed. Just angry. The ticket didn’t even bother me the way it usually does. I don’t feel defeated. I’m spoiling for a fight.