Depersonalization, part II?

I spent all yesterday and all morning lying on my couch upside down with my legs up and my eyes covered, listening to rain ☔️ and now I’m trying to work but I can’t get anything to happen. I’m having some kind of split from reality like I just refuse to live this life anymore.

I’m going through the motions but I’m not here. I’m just along for the ride but I’m not this person, this life is not mine. But I can’t escape from it. And I’m in complete denial that I’m this person. And I’m also split from myself, not experiencing that directly, just aware that that’s happening.

Like that.

Like none of this is actually real.

It’s been happening for a while now. It’s just ramped up right now to a degree it doesn’t usually get to.

https://saoirsebee.wordpress.com/2017/07/26/depersonalization-in-gender-dysphoria/

I found that article recently. I almost hate how accurate this all is to other people’s experiences. I spent all morning with my legs up, breathing. That’s all I want to do forever right now.

It’s that space behind my eyes too. Like an inch or two behind and maybe slightly above. There’s so much pressure there. When I close my eyes and breath and let everything go it’s like all my attention goes there and I can get lost in it.

I think this maybe the Wellbutrin? I’m not sure. It should be kicking in about now. I upped my dose of Betaine TMG too but I’m not sure what kind of effect that’s supposed to have.

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